Whale of a time? or just a whale...

It is official, I actually weigh more than the heaviest patient on the ward. You know that one person that people talk bout how heavy it is to turn and provide cares for - especially when they don't help..... I don't know how it is possible I weigh more, I don't have the folds of skin, I don't require help to care for myself, and I certainly don't feel or feel I look that fat... but I am actually disgusted with myself and am going to bring whoever is reading this along for the journey of getting out of this funk... and liking myself and enjoying life again.... I have a lot to do and I need some blunt advice and tips from people who don't know me.

A bit of background about myself, while not giving too much away..... lets see, will be 43 soon, I have 4 kids ranging between 10 and 16 years old, I have a husband who I met when I was a teenager.... and we still like each other - which is awesome. I am a nurse - and have been one longer than I have had kids.... and I am just in an unhappy with myself funk. I feel I do everything for my kids and work, I am tired, I don't sleep well, I have minimal motivation and I get angry when people push me to lose weight.... or go for a walk.... should I be eating this? (probably not - but I like it, why can you eat it and not me.... oh yeah - I am fat).... have you walked today... (No I have not, but I have just come home from a very busy and heavy shift at the hospital where I was on my feet all day long... why do you get to relax after work and not me.... oh yeah - I am fat).... The stupid thing is, I do want to walk, I do want to eat healthy (I really want a personal chef just to feed me healthy stuff that I don't have to prepare myself).... But sometimes when people say it - even though they are MY people, and I know they love me and want me to feel good.... it just makes me feel judged and angry.

Fat people aren't allowed to be tired, or hungry or crave bad food.... because they are fat... regular people and skinny people are. But I am not just going to sit and whinge about being fat. I have night duty tonight and am going to be productive. Although it is now 1015 am and I am hungry, I have not eaten after discovering my actual weight for the first time in a looong time and I don't know what to do.... my head has made breakfast multiple times, I do have some diet shake mix in the cupboard and diet bars.... but I don't want to go down the gung ho route that only lasts a week or two.... I wish I could afford Ozempic!!! maybe I should just shake it for breakfast and make plans for eating later....

Oh and I guess I should also mention... I am not a binge eater or one of those people who eat whole pizzas or fast foods for a snack, I love healthy stuff like smashed avocado on toast, and cottage cheese and tomato crackers with some balsamic.... My diet could do with some tweaking, but i do need to move more too.

So there you have it, I am officially a middle aged overweight mum starting a healthy, weight loss, finding my way out of my funk journey and you are invited, stay tuned for the life and adventures of me. Happy for constructive comments, no need to be mean....